Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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