i think i have two assholes
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
