I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
