All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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