Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
