Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
