the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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