Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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