I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize