Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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