I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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