Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
