I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
