We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
