Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
