I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
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so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
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You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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