I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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