I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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