somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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