Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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