My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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