you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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