oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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