I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i already hear my dad disowning me
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
