We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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