so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
