i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
