How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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