omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
