I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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