Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
