I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
