Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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