I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
wrigley field is MILF paradise
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
