I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
