You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
