no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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