I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
