hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
