Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
This is the high leading the old right now
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
