in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
