I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I want her autograph on my taint
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
