One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
