guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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