if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
