I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
