One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
