im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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