Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
