worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
