no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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