if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i already hear my dad disowning me
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
