They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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