whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
