Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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